Why Resistance?

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about resistance the last few days. Months, and even years really. But especially the last few days with the new year starting. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in myself – I resist starting something. Not just things I don’t want to do. Who actually does want to scrub the bathroom floor? I also resist things I really, really want to do.

I know I’m not the only one.

Heart CoffeeSeveral weeks ago, I was at a friend’s house bemoaning my inability to make myself sit down and start writing again about my time in Nepal. I started it a few years ago and then got stuck. I put it aside (which was the right decision), but now I feel the calling to work on it again. And I want to. I really do. Yet I can’t seem to make myself stick to a writing schedule. I imagine myself with an ideal routine – getting up early, making a delicious cup of coffee, sitting down to my computer, and the words flowing out with ease. Every day. Of course, we all know it doesn’t work this way.

My friend could relate. She has projects she wants to do, but doesn’t do them. Knowing we weren’t alone, we decided to invite a small group of friends and have a women’s circle in the new year to share our frustrations and maybe brainstorm some ideas to help support each other and work through our resistance. The meeting is tomorrow. And it’s the last thing on Earth I want to do. What!?! Why????

I’ve been looking forward to this. Why do I suddenly not want to go?

I’m really not surprised though. This is always how it goes now.  So I have two questions:

  1. When did this start?
  2. Why? Why? Why?

I know I wasn’t like this as a child. I didn’t look forward to a trip to Disneyland and then a few days before we were scheduled to leave suddenly dread it like the plague. But it happens now before every single trip, small or large.

Why does it happen? Is it more awareness and responsibility that comes with age? When I was four I didn’t even have to pack my suitcase, my mom did it all. I just got woken up and put in the car the day we left. Now I have to do the planning, scheduling, and packing. Does more responsibility take the joy out of an enjoyable event?

I’m sharing the responsibility tomorrow, but still I dread it. Yet I know it’s going to be amazing. We have a nice schedule planned. It will be a small group. We’ll eat and share. I’ll come away from it feeling connected and inspired, hopefully everyone else will too.

So, what’s my problem? I really don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this. But it’s something I want to spend some time digging into.